Don't Tell
by Whiskey
Summary: Lily becomes closer to the marauders in her seventh year at Hogwarts and Remus considers revealing that he is a werewolf.


Disclaimer: I own nothing. JK owns all.

Title: Don't Tell.

……………………………………………………………………………..

Lily slouched in the otherwise empty stands of the Quidditch Pitch. It was easy to think up here when the teams weren't practicing. She was furious, but the isolation seemed to dilute the feeling and she was glad of that. The castle and its inhabitants seemed more like a beautiful painting from here: distant and easily objectified.

Time alone had become rare for Lily. Between studying for NEWTS, Head Girl duties and James-time, those moments she put aside for herself had become few and far between. It had been a while since she'd had an opportunity to reflect on things. So much had happened. So much had changed in such a short space of time.

The last six months had been an eye opener for Lily. As both Head Girl of Hogwarts and a muggle-born witch, she was beginning to see just how flawed the wizarding community was. The six-year honeymoon, beginning the first moment she stepped onto platform nine and three quarters, was finally over. The glamour had worn off and the deceptively generous wizarding world had now revealed itself to be cruel and treacherous.

She'd known that trouble was brewing: that the more traditional wizarding families were rallying around a new leader and that practitioners of dark magic were growing in power. She'd read the daily prophet. But before now Lily had felt that the war was something that only existed _beyond_ the walls of Hogwarts: in those parts of the wizarding world she hadn't fully entered yet. That world belonging to wizards like James and Remus who'd never known anything different.

But Hogwarts had changed. The war that had raged outside the safety of the school grounds had made it's insidious way into the castle. It was in the innuendo, the unspoken fears, the tears at the breakfast table and the escalating resentments that boiled below the established routine of classes and quidditch practice.

In addition, goings on within the school seemed to have taken on a greater significance to the world outside. The appointment of a muggleborn head girl had not gone unnoticed by the community at large, and Lily had been faced with the antipathy of Hogwarts students both present _and_ former. Hostile letters had started arriving shortly after classes had begun, and while Lily hadn't been naïve enough to believe that no one would object to a muggle-born head student, she'd been shocked to discover how _much_ they objected. For Lily it was both disturbing _and _encouraging. Dumbledore's choice was considered by some to be a statement, and while Lily took umbrage at the insinuation that Dumbledore had appointed her for political reasons (she took great pride in knowing she'd earned her position), Lily took fierce satisfaction from being the kind of statement that upset the right sort of people.

All in all life at Hogwarts had quickly become very complex and Lily had craved a time-out for a while. Unfortunately her recent attempts to snatch a few moments peace had been thwarted by her other half.

It had been amusing at first. She'd shown James some off the hate mail she'd received in the hope that he would find it funny. A laugh from James might have made the sentiments less disquieting. He hadn't laughed.

She'd laughed at _him_ though. He'd taken it upon himself to follow her wherever she went as a kind of honour guard. Sometimes he even sent one of his friends when he couldn't be there due to commitments that forced them apart. It had been funny. The little boys she'd known for so long were playing at being heroes and if it was condescending it was also endearing.

After they'd helped her diffuse a couple of sticky situations involving irate students and inventive hexes, Lily had begun to take the assistance more seriously. They weren't underestimating her, as she'd resentfully suspected at first. They were being realists.

On the upside Lily's relationship with Sirius Black had improved. She'd dreaded this part of becoming involved with James - the part where she had to get along with his little gang of detention regulars - but Sirius had turned out to be a pleasant surprise. Neither the upstanding young wizard that James appeared to have grown into, nor the idiot trouble maker she'd taken him for, Sirius had revealed himself to be an intense individual, full of scathing social commentary and intelligent insight. He had a perspective on the wizarding world that Lily had never previously been close to. He was the first member of a purist family she'd ever had the opportunity to speak with on civil terms and Lily had begun to view the boy as her insider.

Time spent with Remus, whom Lily had considered a friend for some time, had also been enlightening. Lily had always liked the quiet boy, known for occasional quick remarks and his mysterious illnesses, and more than once she'd become indignant on his behalf. She'd noticed how overprotective James and Sirius were when it came to their more timid friend, and she'd always felt Remus would have done better without them. They kept him in their shadow. It was one of the reasons Lily had disliked James for so long. James had done all he could to keep Remus from the spotlight, fighting his battles and speaking for him when Remus might have been capable of fending for himself, if only he'd been given the chance.

Lily had assumed she'd be able to shake Remus off easily the first time James had sent him to watch over her. She'd joked with him that the whole thing was ridiculous and had told him he wasn't needed. He'd merely smiled in his pleasant way and continued to keep her company as though she'd said nothing at all. A couple of close calls later she'd realized just how much she'd underestimated the gentle young wizard. He wasn't aggressive like James and Sirius, but he knew his defence spells and wasn't afraid to use them. Lily had been forced to realise that James had more faith in Remus than Lily had given either of them credit for.

And so the small group had fallen into a routine, and Lily had found herself an honorary member of the little club she had reviled for so long. The pill had been less difficult to swallow than she'd feared.

Until last night.

After three months of around the clock "babysitting" Lily had been almost disappointed at the prospect of doing an all-nighter in the library alone. Upon hearing of her intention to burn the midnight oil, Peter, who never took guard duty himself but often accompanied those who did, had looked very worried and had suggested Lily study in her dormitory instead. He'd been on the verge of saying more when he'd suddenly yelped and become silent. Lily had quickly studied Sirius, who'd been opposite Peter at the table, but if he'd kicked Peter's shins to shut him up she'd seen no outward sign of it.

Remus had departed the common room shortly after that and the three boys remaining had gathered their things with the apparent intention of getting an early night's sleep. James had lingered to kiss Lily on the forehead before following his friends to their dormitory. "Look after yourself," he'd murmured, "don't go outside tonight." He'd been gone before she could question the odd instruction.

Lily had reached the library without incident. Madame Pince had been uncomfortable leaving her alone after curfew, but Lily had convinced the librarian that she would be fine. Alone at last Lily had been struck with the realisation that Madame Pince was more worried for the books than for Lily herself. It made her smile to think of it. At least _some_ people at Hogwarts weren't obsessed with her safety.

At four in the morning Lily had packed up her books and made her way back to Gryffindor tower, weaving with fatigue as she walked. Once inside the common room she'd quickly climbed into the window seat, thinking fresh air would do her good before a few hours sleep.

The window had objected to being pushed open, it had been frozen shut in the chill winter night, but Lily had managed to shove the doors outward.

It had been the chill rather than the freshness of the air that had brought Lily back to wakefulness. It had started to snow and Lily had taken the opportunity to gaze out over the grounds. The view from Gryffindor tower had always been amazing, but covered in snow it was like something from a fairy tale. Hagrid's hut, the Quidditch Pitch and the Forbidden Forest had all been visible from Lily's vantage point.

As had the small figures moving around the base of the Whomping Willow.

Curious, and not a little suspicious, Lily had squinted for a better look. She could just make out the shock of messy black hair on the tallest figure, but if that had not been enough to confirm James' guilt, what happened next certainly was. The figures had gathered around the messy haired youth and disappeared into thin air. Lily strongly doubted there was more than one student at Hogwarts in possession of an invisibility cloak.

She'd gone to bed without waiting for their return. Instead she'd cornered James that morning to demand an explanation. He'd looked pained but had been strangely reluctant to give one. Angered and hurt, Lily had left him wondering whether on not they were still a couple. He hadn't tried to follow her when she'd stalked away.

Free of a guard, for the time being at least, Lily had come to the Quidditch Pitch. She'd needed to think.

She been in the stands for a good few hours before a small cloaked figure entered the stadium. When he looked up and located her in the stands Lily saw that it was Remus. He approached her with a slow but determined air and when he reached her he was puffing slightly from the climb.

"You alright?" Lily asked, realising he must have become ill again. He looked awfully pale.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he said, sitting by her and not looking fine at all. He saw her concern and waved it away. "I wanted to talk to you about something."

"No let me," Lily interrupted shortly. She knew what this was about and her sympathy for Remus was short lived. "He didn't mean to do it Lily," she mimicked, "We talked him into it. He doesn't mean to break the rules. He really is a respectable young wizard and _you_ should give him another chance. How am I doing?"

Remus grinned quickly, then winced.

"Pretty well apparently," she answered herself.

Remus stared at his hands clasped together before him. "He's a big boy. He knew what he was doing," he said tiredly.

"Oh," said Lily, "Well then. _That_ makes it alright. Remus what were you lot _doing_ out there? Baiting the tree? I can't think of anything more ridiculous. The head boy and a seventh year prefect out in the middle of the night baiting the Whomping Willow! What were you thinking?"

Remus shook his head. "You didn't see _me_ out there Lily. I wasn't with them."

"Oh," said Lily. She realised guiltily that she'd simply assumed he'd been involved. Now she thought about it though, it _was_ possible there had only been three figures at the tree. She'd been so focussed on James she hadn't bothered to count. She'd had Remus tried and convicted by association. "Sorry Remus," she said, feeling flustered. "I didn't mean . . . . Well good."

"No," said Remus, "Not 'good'. I broke all the rules too. Or as good as."

"What do you mean?" asked Lily. Was he admitting to guilt or not? "If you weren't there . . ."

"I mean … " he looked very uncomfortable, "I'm not sure what I mean. Look this was a bad idea, I should go." He stood and made to leave the stand.

Sensing now that this might be an important moment and that she should not allow it to pass so easily, Lily stood too. She reached out to stop him, placing a delicate hand on his shoulder.

"Remus. Wait. Talk to me. I'm not going to bite."

He paused, indecisive. She waited. She could almost see him arguing with himself in his head. Slowly he eased himself back onto the bench with a small and unexpected smile that disappeared as quickly as it came.

She followed his lead and there was a long silence while she waited for him to say something.

"Lily, have you ever had to hide something?" he asked eventually.

"You mean so no one could find it?" she asked. "Like a diary?"

"No." he said "That's not what I . . . I mean like a secret. Something personal that you didn't want people to know?"

Lily shrugged. "Of course."

"Really?" said Remus. He seemed surprised.

"Yes."

"Is it something you can tell me?" he asked curiously.

Lily laughed in exasperation. "I'm a muggle born witch Remus! I have to hide what I am all the time. I see my extended family at Christmas and I have to make-believe I go to a private boarding school for the academically gifted. I make up classes and students and teachers. My neighbours have no idea of what I really am. There are people I went to primary school with who don't understand why I hardly talk to them any more, but what would I talk to them _about_? I don't live in their world anymore. They'd never understand all this," she gestured vaguely at the castle, "I suspect they might even be afraid of me if they knew."

"And you could be fined by the ministry under the statute of secrecy for telling them anything interesting," Remus mused.

"That too."

Remus nodded in a way that seemed to indicate he'd made up his mind about something. Lily eagerly awaited his next words.

"I have . . . an _interesting_ secret too," he said, watching her carefully for a reaction.

"Is it something you can tell me?" Lily asked soberly, intentionally echoing Remus' own words from a moment earlier.

"No," he said with conviction. "It's not. That's what's going to make this hard."

"It's okay," she said, not entirely sure what she meant by it, but wanting to reassure him. His voice was steady but he was clearly worried. The black circles under his eyes made a stark contrast with his pale skin.

"No, it's really not," he said, "Lily, I need you to do something for me. It's important."

"Alright."

"Don't tell anyone what you saw last night. I mean _anyone_. You can't tell a soul."

Lily sighed. Remus was nothing if not a loyal friend to James. "Remus, I hadn't even thought of telling anyone. I mean of course I wasn't going to rat them out to McGonnagal or anything. I'm angry but I'm not stupid. James has to keep the respect of the school this year, hard as that may be for him. You know how the prefects look up to him. They _need_ people to be role models right now and James looks good in a Quidditch uniform and he knows just what to say to keep everyone hopeful. He might be a git but we need him and _he_ needs to at least _look_ like he's setting a good example."

Remus was impressed. "Wow. You've really thought about this," he said.

"Yeah, I've thought about it," she said moodily.

"That's good I guess."

She grunted. It didn't feel good. James had let her down and now she had to make out like nothing was wrong. She couldn't let on that he'd done something to bother her. It wouldn't be appropriate.

"Listen," said Remus, "I think you should know that James was out there for the right reasons."

"Did he send you?" Lily asked flatly.

"No! Well … yes. Technically. He was worried when you didn't come back to the common room. But he doesn't know I'm talking to you about this. Besides, I was trying to say something important, _you're_ the one who made it about James."

"Did I?"

"Yes. You're obsessed with him Lil." There was something accusatory in his tone.

"What were you trying to say then?" Lily asked, feeling confused now. If Remus hadn't come to defend James what was going on?

"I was trying to say that you can't tell anyone what you saw last night. Not for James, although that's very noble of you and everything. I need you to keep quiet for _me_. Don't even tell Michael or Lucy."

This seemed excessive to Lily and she felt the need to defend her friends. "Remus they can keep a secret. I thought you meant the teachers when you said not to tell. I mean I don't want everyone knowing but Michael and Lucy are going to want to know why I'm mad at James. It would be silly not to tell them."

"Not even Michael or Lucy," he insisted, "It's important."

"Why?"

What Remus said next came out evenly, but Lily didn't fail to notice his hands trembling as he spoke.

"Because they weren't just baiting the Willow. They were doing something extremely dangerous and they were doing it for _my_ sake. They weren't hurting anyone, but Lily if they got found out they could do time in Azkaban for it. Who knows what would happen to me. Nothing good, that's for certain."

"Azkaban?" Lily whispered. She wasn't sure she believed him. "What on earth were they _doing_ Remus?"

He smiled sadly. "That's my secret Lil."

"The one you can't tell me?"

"Yes."

Lily stared at him. "Remus you don't get sent to _Azkaban_ for misdemeaners. Whatever's going on is no small matter. You can't just ask me to stay quiet, you have to tell me what's going on!"

"Can I ask you something?" said Remus, brightly changing the topic.

"Remus – "

"Humour me."

She sighed. "Fine."

"Muggle law once made burning innocent people at the stake the 'right' thing to do. They did it because they were afraid of magic. Like your old friends from primary school would be afraid of magic. Right?"

"I suppose," said Lily. "Though I don't care for the comparison much."

"I hide things from my friends - " he gave her a significant nod, " - for the same reason you do. I don't want people to be afraid, and I don't want to be burned."

"You're saying people would be so afraid of _you_ that they'd send your friends to Azkaban?" said Lily. "That doesn't rub Remus. No offence but there's nothing about you that's even remotely frightening."

He sat up sharply. "Well thank you Miss Evans for_ that_ ringing endorsement."

"No offence," she repeated.

He shook his head as if to clear it of her remark. "I needed help," he said. "They had to break the law to help me. I didn't ask them to do it, but they were just the right combination of stupid, stubborn and loyal to risk everything on my behalf and I _let_ them because I needed it."

"Remus – "

"I don't like doing this Lily. I like you. I respect you and I like to think that goes both ways – "

"Of course!"

" – but I don't know how long that would last if you ever put the pieces together. I've told you far more than I should. More than I've told anyone. But I'm not here to whisper secrets. I'm only here because I'm afraid you'll say something to the wrong person and you need to understand how serious this really is. We'll all be a lot safer if you just keep what you saw to yourself. _Please_ trust me on this?"

Lily considered. She _did_ trust Remus. But she disliked being kept in the dark. More than that she disliked being kept on the outer when it came to these boys. They were bonded in a way that was impossible to penetrate. She'd known, long before now, that they had secrets.

"But _you_ don't trust _me_ Remus," she said. "You don't trust me _not_ to be afraid of you."

"Lily – "

"Is James afraid? Is Sirius? If you ask me they're more afraid _for_ you than _of_ you."

"They're brainless gits. They _should_ be afraid of me! If they had a little more sense they wouldn't have been out there last night and _I_ wouldn't be here begging _you_ to keep quiet!"

"You're angry at them!" Lily realised.

Remus seemed to deflate at these words. "No I'm not, I'm just . . . . _Please_ Lily. As my _friend_. Promise me you you'll keep this to yourself."

"Remus – "

"_Please_."

The look in his eyes was suddenly unbearable. Lily realised with a small shock that Remus was desperate. He wasn't just _asking_ for a favour. He was _begging _for it.

"I promise."

"Thank-you."

He stood and walked away without giving her the chance to ask another question.

Lily watched him as he walked back to the castle.

He didn't look back once.

…………………………………………………………………………….

"So you forgive me then?"

"Yes."

"What's the catch?"

"Catch?"

"There's something going on here. It's catchy."

"No catch."

"Oh there's a catch."

"You could be a little _happier_ you know. Isn't this what you wanted?"

"Not with a mysterious catch."

"Catch this."

Lily pushed James against the wall of the room of requirement and kissed him full on the lips. She smiled as she felt him respond with enthusiasm. They were getting good at this.

"Anytime," said James breathlessly as they came up for air, keeping her from moving too far away by looping one arm around her waist. "Not that I'm complaining, but what brought you around?"

"I had an interesting chat with Remus," she said.

"Really?" James's face became impassive. "What about?"

"It's a secret."

"Is that so?" he said with a smirk.

"You lot aren't the only ones who can keep them you know."

"_We_ have secrets?" he said innocently.

"James," she warned.

He studied her face for a moment, then dropped the act and shrugged, avoideding her gaze. "Alright so we _do_ have secrets."

"But they're not _your's_ to tell, are they?" she said, poking him in the chest.

He glanced up, one eyebrow raised in tentative hope.

Lily shook her head ruefully. "I'm just going to assume that _whatever_ it is concerns Remus in particular, and that although you'd_ like_ to tell me what's going on, you don't want to betray his confidence."

James nodded in appreciation. "Yeah. That, ah … that pretty well sums it up."

"Then I'll let it go for now."

"For now?"

"Until _you_ convince Remus to trust me," she said. She kissed him quickly then marched from the room, allowing him to ponder that alone.

"No catch," he muttered. Then, chuckling, he followed her back to Gryffindor tower.

It wasn't safe to be in the corridors alone.


End file.
